I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
