So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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