i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
