there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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