At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
