On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
