Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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