I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
