your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
