I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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