it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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