me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
