I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
