Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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