she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
