Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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