I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dignity is for republicans.
she pinky promised me she was 18
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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