Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
how drunk are you?
Several
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
