They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
