i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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