I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
