So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
