Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i came on her dog
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
