You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
