You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
