i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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