well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
