i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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