after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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