i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
