I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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