Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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