Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
