I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
