Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
