It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
