Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
