my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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