i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
3pm strippers are depressing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
