Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
