I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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