He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
