Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wish I had a tail.
...why not?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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