Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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