Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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