By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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