remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
