u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
