somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
