Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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