i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
