I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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